urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:carvinghername carvinghername carvinghername 2004-12-03T22:59:15Z urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:carvinghername:4920 2004-12-03T22:36:37Z 2004-12-03T22:59:15Z taking back sunday so something interesting happened last night.<br /><br />roomie's talking to a mutual friend, their conversation leads to him telling her that she's intimidating b/c she's confident in how she walks and how she speaks. and she goes on to tell him "well, you must think jennifer's <b>really</b> intimidating then" and he says "no, she's a smartass like me. <i>she hides behind her words</i>."<br /><br />and that gets me wondering - how many people see me like that? how many people look at me, even are around me for some amount of time, and come to the conclusion i'm just some smartass punk kid wandering around sucked into my music, rebelling against the world? not realizing that, despite my sarcastic comments, i'm probably one of the more/most intelligent people that they know?? (i'm not trying to sound conceited here. i'm a smart girl. i know that, and anyone who gets to know me learns it too)<br /><br />shit like that really bothers me. i understand that you can really only "judge" people by what you're shown. but the majority of the people i know don't get the entire picture of me. they don't know the shit i've been through, what i've pulled myself out've, and what i'm still fighting. they don't know that i grabbed just under 4.0 my senior year, and i probably am going to have straight a's my first quarter of college, despite the partying and crazyness that surrounds me. they don't know my ambitions, my dedication, my views on the world, they know nothing. <b>NOTHING</b>. <br /><br />yet they see me as someone lacking opinions and smarts who plays it off by saying stupid shit when the situation presents itself.<br /><br />let me tell you all something. in my opinion, until you know me (or anyone else, for that matter) and all that is included in that, you have <b><u>no</u> <u>fucking</u> <u>right</u></b> to enlighten the world on your half educated opinions of me and who i am.<br /><br />i'm all for thinking for yourself and the freedom of speech idea, don't get me wrong. but if you want to remain on my good side, you'll be better off if you keep those types of things to yourself until you have been around long enough to have come up with a more informed opinion. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:carvinghername:4748 2004-11-03T17:06:00Z 2004-11-03T17:06:00Z anti-flag say hello to 4 more years of shit. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:carvinghername:4418 2004-10-25T07:39:24Z 2004-10-25T07:39:24Z tv. woot. wow. long time no update.<br /><br />i have a dilemma.<br /><br />long story short:<br />-i got my lip pierced<br />-my stepdad doesn't approve, and refuses to let me stay at home over christmas break if i don't take it out<br />-it feels like i've spent the past 5 years being who he wants me to be. and i'm sick of that<br />-he sees it as me respecting his rules, not him forcing me to conform<br />-and now i'm stuck on what to do<br /><br />the question:<br />a) do i suck up my pride and buy a clear retainer, knowing that switching it and the ring out as much as i will be could way up the chance of scar tissue, and possibly increase the likelihood of it not healing closed correctly when i actually want it out for good<br /> <sp><sp><sp>-or-<br />b) do i stay with friends over christmas break, seeing my family not very often.<br /><br />pros and cons either way:<br />a) + = get to spend christmas with family. have a place to stay<br /><sp><sp>- = feel once again like i'm being forced to change myself for someone else. backing down from something that is pretty important to me<br /><br />b) + = get to be myself. no risk of crazy non-healing<br /><sp><sp>- = alienate myself from my family. my stepdad is putting me through college. likely i won't have a car. christmas will probably be lonely times<br /><br />i hate this.<br />i shouldn't even have to be dealing with this. UGH. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:carvinghername:4199 2004-09-21T22:31:19Z 2004-09-21T23:39:20Z thrice | kill me quickly so... blase hit my brother.<br />what the hell am i supposed to do?<br />i told him to talk to mom and basically tell her that if he can't feel safe in his house, he can't stay there. and that he probably should remind her that my being hit is what triggered a lot of stuff for me.<br /><br />i am so fucking serious, he needs anger management and a fucking parenting class. he needs to learn how to control his fucking emotions. i wish i was home. to be there for him. from what it sounds like, blase is taking out everything that he used to dole out to both of us just on my brother now. and that's fucking bullshit.<br /><br />my brother said he's afraid to fight back because he knows blase could kick his ass. 1/2 of me thinks that trey hitting back will scare blase enough to leave him alone. the other half (the smarter half) knows that he'll just get more pissed and go after him. and then that leaves me saying "do whatever you have to." i seriously wouldn't feel sorry for him if my brother took a bat to him. he brings this shit on himself. its like he can't get it through his head that this isn't the way to deal with things. fucking a.<br /><br />whatever.<br /><br />movie night tonight. ohhh boy. that was fun. no, it was pretty sweet. i am so glad i have the roommate i have :D woot.<br /><br /><b><i>i &lt;3 you. and miss you too fucking much. and i was thisclose to calling you tonight. but i didn't want to make your parents mad. but i needed to talk to you.</i></b> urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:carvinghername:3865 2004-09-14T07:40:27Z 2004-09-14T07:40:27Z ...not a damn thing. another average day... going... going... gone.<br /><br />didn't do much. i never ended up going to sleep last night. i went to service at 715 to see chase. and then came home. and slept. had an orthodontist appt at 1020, and lunch with my grandma at 1145. fun times, ohhh yeah.<br /><br />i did a bunch of college crap last night. went through the course catalog, found the classes i want to take at some point in time. 7am rolls around, i registered for the rest of my classes. <br /><br />schedule this year:<br />[10-1050] music theory... m-th<br />[11-1150] swim conditioning... m&w class piano... t&th<br />[12-1250] psychology 101... m-f<br />[1-150] introduction to musical studies... m&w&f flute choir... t&th<br /><br />yeah, that's right, i only have class for 4hrs a day. and only 2 on fridays. man i love this. college is gonna be fun. i just... need to kidnap my chee and hide him in my closet. and i guess i could provide him with a bed to sleep in at night. [smile]<br /><br />me and my roommate are going to do a radio show. cause we both like kick-ASS music. and i'm thinking we should a) play local stuff from our hometowns and b) do a "what shows are going on this week" thing. to let everyone else know about gooooood shows in seattle and portland. mmdefinitely.<br /><br />well... yeah. end of the day was nice... i got to see my chase. and... i get to tomorrow too. we're starting to plan the best way to get his parents to say yes to letting him come down with me for spring break... omigod. talk about kickass. [sigh] we'll see.<br /><br /><i>...you're just jealous cause we're young and in love...</i><br />good stuff.<br /><br />well i have cleaning to attend to... catch you all later. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:carvinghername:3726 2004-09-13T09:01:10Z 2004-09-14T07:42:12Z taking back sunday | new american classic overall, good day was had.<br /><br />[x]hung out with chase for most of the day<br />[x]went to 5th avenue to get him some shoes, and find out the size for the ones i'm getting (black/grey lakai penzas)<br />[x]bought my shoes online<br />[x]went to zac's show at metro<br />[x]bought <i>the guide to getting it on</i> at borders... fucking awesome book<br />[x]bought manga (read: FUCKING SWEET STUFF) at waldenbooks<br />[x]had a short storm... i &lt;3 rain with a fuckin passion.<br /><br />hung out with my mom tonight, that was fun. i thinkkk she had a bit to drink. she wasn't... quite the same as she usually is. but it was a lot of fun. we played cranium and mad gab. and were just being dumb. she let me give her a piggyback ride into her room. she never lets me do that. <b><i>hey, she's like 115 at the most, that's 30lbs less than you! but... i guess i could give you them... yeah [smile]</i></b><br /><br />and... what else? i leave in four days. it's so... soon. i'm going to miss him so goddamn much, it's not even funny. is it healthy to be so attached? i don't want to ever be away from him. the past couple times i've been with him, i've started thinking about how i've only got a couple more days and have to try so hard to keep myself from crying. i don't want to, not yet. i know i will at the airport. but i guess i can deal with that. i hate crying in front of people. <b><i>and you should feel pretty damn special that i have in front of you... it doesn't happen very often. there's only been one other person...</i></b> i know college is going to be fun, and i'll probably stay busy&occupied... but i seriously doubt that a minute will go by that i'm not thinking about him. the little things remind me of him... there's a shitload of em.<br /><br /><i>"see the months, they don't matter, it's the days i can't take... when the hours turn to minutes, and i'm seconds away..."</i> i totally agree with that... i start thinking about the number of seconds, minutes, days that i'm away from him... i can't stand it. 3months is... easier to deal with than 84days. that's so long. [sigh] <i><b>i fucking love you.</b></i><br /><br />goodnight... going to read some manga, then head off to bed. early day tomorrow. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:carvinghername:3362 2004-08-17T02:00:12Z 2004-08-17T02:00:12Z conversing with zookeepers ...i'm listening to my parents argue... partly because since i have depression in my medical history, i was denied health insurance. oh fucking boy, eh? i hate how you can hear everything in this damn house. i hate how he talks loud enough that i have to listen to it too. gahhhh.<br /><br />i'm sposed to be making dinner, but... there is no dinner to make. lame.<br /><br />hell yeah for bass ownership. mmm.<br /><br />and... yeah. have a nice day.<br /><br /><i>conversing with zookeepers=fucking awesome.</i> urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:carvinghername:3325 2004-08-15T11:23:54Z 2004-08-15T11:23:54Z brand new another fuckin awesome show tonite. man. that was great. my piano part was barely audible, and i almost didnt get to play it... but brett made a fucking nice save, and i did end up playing. woot. chase did great as their new bassist... man. yeah.<br /><br />so now i almost own a bass. this is fabulous.<br /><br />we went to eat at village inn after the show, and those of us that were there ended up having a pretty personal conversation. it was kind've nice. i like people that are willing to open up to others. mmhmm.<br /><br />other than all that... not much exciting here today or in general. krystal showed up today at bitoz. got pissed cause chase kissed me. wanted me to go hang out with her and jordan after the show, but i didn't. and... yeah. pissed at parental this morning cause he was pulling the same old shit where what i do isn't good enough. like ... ever. oh fucking well though, right? right.<br /><br />oh, if you were curious...<br /><i>i am so fucking in love with chase. </i> urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:carvinghername:2907 2004-08-14T09:22:33Z 2004-08-14T09:22:33Z taking back sunday <i>i hate how you pretend to care<br />and the smiles i know you fake<br />the pretentious look in your eyes<br />as you break my fall again...<br /><br />i hate your parasitic attachment<br />thoughts in rewind, and it's<br />always the same, each and every frame<br />i can't get you out of my head<br /><br />chasing something i can't have<br />my heart in pieces on the floor<br />i'll pick it up and hand it back<br />and always come back for more<br /><br />you're the worst mistake i never made.</i><br /><br /><br />the show tonite was great. plain and simple.<br />if i ever am in a band, i'm totally covering "there's no 'i' in team" ...such a fucking good song. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:carvinghername:2758 2004-08-02T06:51:32Z 2004-08-02T06:59:46Z taking back sunday so... she called me today. she actually called... yesterday, i think, i called her back today and she didn't pick up, but she called me again later. we talked for a bit... it was interesting, to say the least. she says that she wants to come talk to blase. part of me wants to believe her. but then i remember how many times before she said she was going to do just that... and never did. who's to say if this time is gonna be different or not? i'd like her to actually follow through on that. it's so weird, how i keep putting myself in this situation... we'll see i guess.<br /><br />gah <font color="white">i miss chase</font>.<br /><br />krystal... she's so funny. like... at work today, as i was leaving, she got all... amusing. yeah. she's like "i can tell that you're going to be difficult" "difficult to what?" and she keeps jumping all over the place "you're an obstacle" "an obstacle towards what?" "..." "what's the <b>goal</b>?" "your pants" "what?!" "off" "uh..." "was that straightforward enough for you?" "[laughs semi-uncomfortably] i guess so" "yeah, you wanna fuck?" "uhm... not now?" "tomorrow?" "no..." "later?" "unlikely" "oh. well... oh" and... yeah. it was weird. poor chase. too bad she totally doesn't have a chance. she's cute and all... but i'm <u>totally</u> committed.<br /><br />mmmmmmchase. gr. [reserenading him] "i wish you were here..."<br /><br />working 8hrs a day for the next 3days. lame.<br />i'm probably dying my hair black on thursday. yay!<br /><br />so... yeah. my eating is so fucking weird. cause like, i'll start thinking about drifting back where i was... and then i eat to make myself stop. i hate the cravings. i hate the lack of control. i hate knowing that given the chance, i would do whatever it took to be where i want to be. but for now... i just need to get a grip on things. and stop being a damn cow.<br />:eats for today:<br />[x]1slice toast w/ pb&j<br />[x]yogurt<br />[x]1/2 of a ham/lettuce/mustard/tiny bit of cheese sandwich<br />[x]raisins... lots of raisins<br />[x]2tacos for dinner<br />[x]bowl of cereal<br />[x]2 1/2 rice cakes<br />[x]wasa crackers w/ peanut butter<br /><br />ugh. it's not that much, but it sure as shit seems like it. there is like NO fruit in my house that's not in a can. i want some kiwis. and apples. and... i don't know what else. something very watery w/o a lot of calories. and some carrots. salad in a bag. i tend to go for convenient-to-get-to foods. so...i should cut up carrots and peppers and shit for me to eat. i want some damn asparagus! [rolls eyes] bah. shit. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:carvinghername:1620 2004-08-01T08:20:44Z 2004-08-01T08:20:44Z our lady peace our lady peace is a good band.<br /><br />i have problems listening to hoobastank's new cd now, because all i can think about when i do is <b>her</b>. especially the last song... holy shit. i started crying when i listened to it again.<br /><br />watched butterfly effect tonight...<br /><b>would you willingly give your life if you knew it meant saving the one you loved most from a lifetime of pain?</b><br /><br />the girl at work has a crush on me. it's amusing.<br />another girl i know has an eating disorder.<br /><br />somewhere out there (olp) is a good fucking song.<br /><br />what happens if the only thing that is constant in your life goes away?<br />do you return to old ways, old habits, old thoughts?<br />or do the things you learned while it was still there remain?<br />i'm ... kind've scared. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:carvinghername:1295 2004-07-28T08:20:02Z 2004-07-28T08:20:02Z new found glory even though i'm trying to be less self conscious with him...<br />even though i'm trying to eat normally...<br />even though my life is going fine...<br /><br /><i>i still feel fucking gross.</i><br />and i still fantasize about shrinking away to nothing.<br /><br />when does this feeling go away? urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:carvinghername:1278 2004-07-26T21:37:02Z 2004-07-26T21:37:02Z cauterize fucking a. chase and i just got caught in his shower.<br /><br />we spend all this time in his room trying to decide how we can possibly pull off making it look like i wasn't in there, for nothing, because we walk downstairs and his dad says "i'm disappointed in the two of you."<br /><br />then he looks at me, and says "we don't do that kind of stuff here. its time for you to leave."<br /><br />chase says he's not grounded or anything, but i don't know how long it'll be before i can see him. i doubt his parents want me coming to his house anymore. shit.<br /><br />shit shit shit shit shit. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:carvinghername:951 2004-07-26T04:05:33Z 2004-07-26T04:05:33Z armsbendback so today i've done really well. i ate a bowl of cereal at about 4 in the morning (i just got back from vacation, i only slept from 5-8 this morning). i got up, and when i got to chase's house, i had a little of his breakfast also. that was about 11am. we went and hung out for a while, and come about 2pm, my stomach is eating itself, so i told him i was hungry, and we went and got lunch. my mom made dinner later, i had that too. so eating-wise, i'm doing really well. i was afraid i was going to be binging like hell, but i haven't. i've been eating normal sized meals at normal times. i'm really proud.<br /><br />i think the thing that i'm most proud of is how hard i'm trying to change my view of myself. like, when i pass a mirror, i automatically think "ugh," but then i make myself stop and really look at myself, and tell myself that i'm <b>not</b> disgusting, and i'm <b>not</b> fat. the other area that i have problems with that is with chase. he'll try to touch me or look at me, and i always've pulled away. today, though, i made myself let him. it was... kind've liberating, in a way.<br /><br />for the record, armsbendback does <b>not</b> suck.<br /><br />i got a letter from my soon-to-be roomate in college... i'm fucking stoked. this girl is beautiful, and she's a lot like me. we both like the same kind of music, she's looking into some psychology stuff for a minor (i'm probably majoring in psychology, minoring in music), she's bringing a car and likes to go to concerts, so maybe we'll get to hit one of those together, she wants to learn how to snowboard (looks like we'll both be sucking ass on the slopes... haha) and... shit. i'm so excited. i can't wait to meet her. i'm writing her a letter tonite, i think, and am going to send pictures and all that jazz... jeezus, i'm giddy like a goddamn school girl... wait... i am one. [rolls eyes] yes, i realize that was utterly retarded. don't mind me, i'm in a damn good mood. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:carvinghername:732 2004-07-26T03:59:22Z 2004-07-26T03:59:22Z hoobastank figured i'd post a modified version in here what i posted elsewhere...<br /><br /><i>intro post <br />"hi, my name's jennifer and i'm suffering from an eating disorder"<br /><br />after i got out of rez, i developed very disordered eating patterns, and i think between then and now, it's gotten to a full-blown eating disorder. i have tried so many times to break away from all of this, and it's never worked. part of me is doubting that this time will be any different, but i can hope, right? i think that by changing my journals friends page from pro-ana communities to e.d recovery, i'm at least taking a step in the right direction. i'm so ready to be done with this. i'm sick of hurting people, most of all myself. my boyfriend loves me, and i know that it hurts him to watch me suffer thru this, even more knowing that he can't help me in the way he wants to. i leave for college in a month and a half, and i would like to be healthy to the point where i'm not worrying that i'm going to starve myself to death while i'm there. and i'm hoping that this black cloud that i know all too well as depression might lift once i've worked through this.</i><br /><br />when i come home from vacation literally <u>scared</u> to step on the scale and see the damage i've done, and know that if i do, i'm going to start crying, that's when i know it's gone too far. i'm done. and i'm serious this time.<br /><br /><b><i>kid... you really kicked my ass last nite. thank you.</i></b> urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:carvinghername:353 2004-07-25T11:43:15Z 2004-07-25T11:43:15Z coheed and cambria i figured i'd start writing in an lj same as my dj, that way the people on here could learn about me too w/out having to go any further than their friends page. you'll notice that i post here mainly to bitch about certain things i'm dealing with, that's my way of trying to get thru them, so get over it. have a nice day.